A Cacophony of Colors

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Photo credit: Claire Jepsen


“In every change, in every falling leaf there is some pain, some beauty. And that’s the way new leaves grow.”
Amit Ray

The trees out my window are all the acceptable autumn hues – crimson and golden and the unturned green. The sky is the bluest of Colorado blues. A bird with pink breast settles upon a branch on one of the two already naked trees, purveying the scene below. Squirrels scamper over and across, leaping through the crackling foliage, gathering and storing. Nature summons me outdoors before it’s too late.

Change in process – scenes of nature in dynamic flux. Always in flux. There is but a moment to take a breath before another change asserts itself.

I am departing a slow season. One where days stretched and answers were slow. Voices prattled about productivity and worth and earning one’s keep, tricking the mind. The slow seasons are important, crucial – a still space to learn the rhythms of grace, to hone imperfect patience, to shore up defenses in preparation for the call that will not relent. The slow seasons seem long, but when the go ahead is given, no amount of slow can prepare for the good and abundant and frenetic activity that befalls.

These years of staying home as mom offered me the luxury of focusing on the kids and myself. I had other things here and there that fulfilled me, while knowing I was doing the good work of raising the next generation and caring for our home. But now, here I sit, on the cusp of starting and pastoring a church. It’s a lot and it’s everything. It’s all the good things.

And so, all of a sudden, the season has shifted. A gust of wind and the leaves are gone, we now await the snow. Quiet days while the kids attend school have now morphed into meetings and deadlines and phone calls and emails in a few short days. The onramp feels like it never existed. The runway shortened. What happened?

We think we know what to expect when the shift happens. We think we’ve anticipated and planned and yearned enough that the discomfort of the adjustment is abated. But no. In all my years living this life I can’t think of one thing that went as I expected.

As a One on the Enneagram I carry a permanent expectation of perfection. I believe there is an ideal way to execute most things (well, really, all things). Parenting, marriage, relationships, life all bear a weight that I carry. I must do it perfectly. And when the myth is busted, I believe the lie. I assume it’s my fault. I’m deficient. I’m broken.

Growth isn’t pretty. Growth hurts. I go to the gym three times a week and I’m always dealing with an annoying twinge. I always have sore muscles and tired legs. I’m not injured, I’m just uncomfortable, yet I’m growing stronger. I feel it when I lift a bag of chicken feed or I hug my kid tight. I feel it when I run and I am held together. I feel it when I have a rest day and I return and everything is easier. Growth hurts, but is so rewarding.

I am gonna have to figure out how to be kinder to myself, how to roll and set aside the notion of any perfection. It’s such a myth. There is no best way to do anything. We do what we do how we do it, with our foibles and failures, our wins and successes. This is all we are guaranteed.

A church is getting planted. It is happening, sooner than we can be prepared for, I’m sure. But you know what? Isn’t this where we all want to be? In a place where we’re met, where God greets us in our odd and messy humanity, in our mixed motivations, and ideal expectations. Trust is hard. It’s easy to get antsy, to take matters into our own hands and finagle outcomes. But I’m not sure that’s the best way.

The season of wait is a great teacher. There isn’t much forcing you can do and there sure isn’t much you can control. Patience and courage and honesty are forged in the fires of wait. The exact ingredients one needs when life ramps up.

Just as the seasons shift, the beauty shifts, too. And each new season is met with anticipation – changing leaves, first snow, springtime flowers, late night barbecues. And each season has its hassles – brown stalks, frozen pipes, muddy dogs, hot nights. We can focus on the pain or we can focus on the gains.

Or we can focus, as we often do, on a little bit of both.